@Schmoodles: It's easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.
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@1Bad_Scientist: Me: how was your date? Friend: I ruined her panties. M: Wow that's hot man. F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
@kDuncanG: Don't tell me what your cats' names are, I'll call'em what I want. Oh, Mittens & Snuggles? WRONG. THAT'S WILDSTYLE & THAT'S SNACKMOUTH.
@ByYourLogic: i'm every guy who says he's taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later
@iamspacegirl: Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I'm sad? How do you always know when I need you? Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse. Me: I love you too