That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
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*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.