Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
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The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Happy birthday to all the women