It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
You Might Also Like
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Cool shirt 🙂
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.