My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
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No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.