Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”