@librarianfonz: It's especially on Fridays at 5 pm when I wish I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
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@FrogAvalanche: *inside camp-out tent* "Wanna hear-" *puts torch under chin* "-a scary story?" *flicks torch on, it vibrates* "OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH."
@thispartyislame: Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn't die. Now I'm just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
@gaynorlsimpson: Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.
@JermHimselfish: In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.