Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.