It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
BaD BoY!!
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.