it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die