It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
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[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this