It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Yup….perfect score!
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.