It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
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*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.