It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
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I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no