It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Meeeee too!
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though