It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
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if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.