It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
You Might Also Like
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I hate when that happens.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
ibopfufen
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.