@MichaelSmartGuy: "It's five o'clock somewhere" I say as I leave work at 9am
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@ojedge: [first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] "…& they all lived happily ever after" Customer: "That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'"
@SortaBad: You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We've decided on the perfect name for our baby
@mjkspeaks: [interview] HIM: have u ever bribed anyone? ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who's asking
@Blue_Crab: My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom. I asked her what it was going to do. I'm hilarious. Everyone says so.