@MichaelSmartGuy: "It's five o'clock somewhere" I say as I leave work at 9am
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@stephenjmolloy: Me: "This new flavour of Pringles is horrible." Wife: "You're eating a tube of tennis balls."
@yungsweater: *Playing catch* *dad throws ball over fence* "I'll get it son!" *25 years later* "Wow he must've thrown it far"
@JUSTLisandra: Having my wisdom teeth pulled. They have nothing left to teach me. I must learn on my own from now on.
@BackrowSeats: This beautiful woman is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's just falling asleep.