“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
why isn’t he texting back
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*