“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
no such thing as a dumb question
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth