It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
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Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur