I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I want this so bad
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit