Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
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No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I’ve been learning to cook.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.