It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…