It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit