It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
good morning
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.