it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
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“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
eggs benadryl
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Pass gas, not judgment.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!