I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
“No way.” -Jose
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
So creative 😂
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.