Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
a lot to unpack here
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.