it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Buying a well is money well spent.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.