It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
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Basically.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My purse is deeper than some people.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go