It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
You Might Also Like
Self-cleaning conscience
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever