skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.