If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
me
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.