@HTXBlonde: "It's funny how red, white, and blue represents freedom until it's your rear view mirror flashing behind you."
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@_davidlucas_: There are 70,000 Jehovah's Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I'll be answering the door naked this weekend.
@dshack8: At this point in my life if I drop something and can't pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it's staying on the floor.
@freypalm: [comedy club] Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?! Other worms: *silence* Early bird: *cracking up*
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire. Me: *gives her recipe for my mom's peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.