@ItsLaTourette: It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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@WheelTod: I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can't follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
@LeannaZaiden: This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it's married.. so it'll just get drunk.
@WildeThingy: I'm white and my wife is black. I'm trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that's how they are made
@Abusitron: Me: why do bad things happen to good people? God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles* Me: oh God: *nods solemnly*