It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Tier 3 meme
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.