It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Always the camel, never the toe.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Not helping
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.