waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
You Might Also Like
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
britain’s three elite institutions
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.