Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
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I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters