Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it