teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
You Might Also Like
#JohnTravolta
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
CUTE CAT‼︎
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.