the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
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Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??