It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.