It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
#CatsOnTwitter
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?