Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
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A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge