Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
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I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.