It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
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Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.