“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
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HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.