@tastefactory: "It's gonna taste really good." - excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You're Expecting Pizza
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@HughGoesThere: [first day as priest] Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife? Him: She's my daughter and this is her baptism. Me: Mazel tov.
@Thrill_Tweeter: People with FB statuses like, "I'm so angry right now", then when someone says, "What's up?" they reply, "I'll text you." WHAT ABOUT US?
@Donnie_Fairburn: [Police sketch artist job interview] "How am I not qualified?" Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo "It's a cat actually"
@JohnDuffy21: Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.