@tastefactory: "It's gonna taste really good." - excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You're Expecting Pizza
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@DoucheMcBaggus: When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I'm totally nailing his mom.
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: It looks like you work out ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
@Fred_Delicious: [Girlfriend looks at me in disgust] "Did u just propose using emojis?" ... "Technically its called a propoji, but yes" [She's already gone]