@tastefactory: "It's gonna taste really good." - excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You're Expecting Pizza
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@dubiousgenius: Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It's almost like someone made the whole thing up.
@SteveInevitable: If a girl texts you and asks if you think she's fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that's pretty cool.
@hippieswordfish: *guy collapses* ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*