@shutupmikeginn: It's goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. "Your secret is well guarded... behind a zipper"
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@jergarl: 87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.
@deardilettante: The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
@KarenKilgariff: When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
@Papa_Mex: Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen