Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
me: my friends:
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.