As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No