@shutupmikeginn: It's goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. "Your secret is well guarded... behind a zipper"
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@TheRobCee: [furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk] "Don't you wish there was an easier way?" [cut to carton of butter milk]
@simoncholland: A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
@dafloydsta: HER: A man at work saved someone's life today. *flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry* ME: I also have big news.