it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
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I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.