A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
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[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
What kind of a cult is this?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
getting old is fun
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.