Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
You Might Also Like
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
describing stardew valley
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN