It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
What if the weather talks about us?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again